Fort's Cancer Sux!!

Take me out to the Blizzz...ard,
Take me out to the crowd.
Buy me some ear muffs and coney dogs,
Adam Dunn has a Reee....ly cute butt!
(Sorry cant rhyme)

For its gos-sip, gos-sip with Jean-nie,
If we dont laugh its a shame,

For its FRICK-ING-FREEZE-ING-COLD-OUT
At the 'ol BALL GAME!!!!

Seriously!!! It SNOWED at the Reds game tonight!!! and it was EIGHTY degrees out yesterday!! What the hell? I guess the only good part about this was that the Cubbies fans didnt fill the rest of the stadium like they typically do. So annoying. Can we just enjoy our Redlegs with a 35% capacity like all the other average teams? Good Lord. A cubbies hat does not make you a superior human being, contrary to what the rest of Chicago thinks. And please, sit your ass down in 9th innning. This ain't Wrigley Field. (Unless we've already left of course)

Jean, Me & Harry's sister all cuddled up like we were watching the Bengals....only the bengals would have been winning.
That whole lower level left field seats were mostly Cubs fans. Super! Otherwise it was a great time!

Sometimes I wish I just had a separate blog for a more random, anonymous outlet. Sometimes I feel like this blog is just this pair of rose-colored glasses on my life. Not saying that things suck right now, but I am sort of experiencing mixed feelings about some recent news I have heard. I will try to express this without using names or pointing fingers.

A few years ago I was betrayed by some people who I would have done anything for, and talk about being blindsided while in the midst of a strong chemotherapy regimen and the recent loss of my son. I walked away a better person and my life has improved tenfold since that experience. But some of my close friends give me a hard time becuase Im still so hung up on that small, but painful window of my life. I guess I never really got over it. Im still so curious about what has become of this situation since Ive left, although all close to me advise me just to move on.

When you're betrayed and emotionally punched in the gut, it is cathartic to just walk away, but what if that normal, angry person inside you, who never shows its ugly face, keeps eating you alive, dreaming of the day that they finally reap what they sow.

In my situation, I walked away, but due to situations beyond my control, ended up being the one to present my replacement on a silver platter....so I guess I would explain it like this, Someone punches you in the gut repeatedly, and then hits you so hard you're out for the count, and they're still ready to fight. Instead of walking away and ruining their bloodthirsty desire to abuse, I tag-teamed the next victim. Fresh and ready for the kill.

Eventually this person walked away as well. And it should have ended my curiosity but it didnt. I wondered if I would ever get over it.

This week, the betrayers became the betrayed. And have suffered a crippling blow.

And there is a part of me that giggles with an evil laugh as if justice has finally been done, but there is also that part of me that actually feels empathy for the situation. I dont think I would make a good juror, because despite any foul, I always seem to ponder what makes people act the way they do.

Theres another blog I like to read, a single mom in Denver. Shes a great writer. http://awkwardpose.blogspot.com/

One of her posts started with the quote:

"Always be kinder than necessary. Every one you meet is fighting some kind of battle"

That seems demand more space in my psyche. I sometimes wish I had more of a killer instinct, that I could do my job without getting into conversations with everyother person about God knows what.

Issues of business tend to be black and white. You dont pay, you dont get served. Its a simple concept, and yet I am constantly consumed by the gray. Why dont they have the money? I concoct these fake scenarios - maybe they've spent all their money on a family members medical bills. Maybe they were scammed by someone. Maybe they had a hard childhood.

Hence, my feelings about this current situation. Everytime I remember one bad memory, I remember three good ones. Every time a shrill verbal repremand echos in my head, I also think of the lessons they taught me, or the sacrifices they made for a loved one, or the better times, when conversations were light, everything was funny, and the future seemed bright.

"Every one you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

I dont know why but I am simply hard wired to feel this way. Maybe thats why I struggle so much. Im not a vengeful person and I dont have much to be vengeful about when it comes to this particular betrayal my snuggly-bunny-bleeding-heart personality fights very hard on a daily basis to "Shush" that pissed-off, hard-working, cared-to-much 26 year old who is still trying to claw its way out with some sort of redemption.

And I find that, now, more than ever, this "redemption" has reared its head, and I cannot find solace in it, becuase at the end of the day, no matter what has happened in the past, someone will find themselves further slipping down an uphill battle, someone will struggle with their past decisions, families will be undoubtedly be affected be it emotionally or financially and this simply does not have me in the kind of mood you only see in fabric softener commercials.

I guess after three years, its kind of ironic that what I had hoped for for so long, deep down, hasnt left me satisfied.

Ive been consumed by this all day and I am finally having this moment of clarity.

"Always be kinder than necessary. Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle"

I think if we all just focused on this, we would have an easier time letting go of some of our past hurts. Im already feeling like im moving on.

Also, I need to stop gossiping so much. But its EXTREEMLY hard. I think you should automatically get a "Gossip Card" if other peoples lives are more interesting than yours.

Happy Thursday! Day off tomorrow!