The Great Fake Purse Debate of 2007

I know most of you will be surprised that someone who has been carrying around a second hand purse (Thanks Ang) for the last three years (and secondhand wallet up until a few months ago-thanks Ang) would have such passionate opinions on fake purses.

Let me start out by saying two things: I got a fake purse for Christmas, and I may have even asked for it. Mom and Dad went to NYC for a wedding this year and I cant remember if I asked mom to pick me up one or not. I cant remember. I do know she bought two off a credible street vendor and when they got home, let me pick the one I liked the best and I wouldnt see it again until Christmas.

The purse (above) is adorable. I was really shocked to see the lengths they go to pull this off. I mean, seriously. Its a $20 purse. Do you really think I need the Crown-Royal-esque satchel inside and the "Patch of Authenticity" on the inside? Dont insult my intelligence, please.

So anyway, I am in the process of transferring one purse to another and although I maintain that the purse IS cute and I WILL be using it, I still have some "issues

• First of all, I have heard that buying fake purses means you support terrorism. I don't support George Bush, so many of you probably would have assumed that anyway. If we dont buy fake purses from scam artists, they'll find something else to duplicate on the cheap and we'll all buy that too until its uncovered that its all being manufactured in Al-Quiada factories and then we're all back to going to hell again, so whatever.
  
• Here's the thing, fake purses have saturated the market so badly that unless you have a record deal or an Oscar, I am going to ASSUME That your Coach/Prada/D&B purse is fake. I dont care how nice your car is. Many rich people are rich because they are cheap. So it is very likely that even though you have nice things, your purse could very well be fake.
  
• I think that maybe my problem lies with the fact that, in light of the availability of these fake purses, there are still A) People who actually fork over the cheese to buy the real thing. B) People who, on the Things-that-are-important-in-my-life list, rate brand-name purses at a 3 or a 4. They are the ones who consider the carat size of their engagement ring more important than the compatibility of their fiance. They walk among us.
  
• A friend I will only refer to as "Lacey" and I were talking about this the other day and she went on a rant about some coworkers of hers who's pride and joy are their ITTY-BITTY coach purses. "That's what they carry ALL their SHIT IN!....All of it!" She said. She then went on to describe said purses. "You remember those little pencil pouches we had in elementary school? The ones that looked like a cylinder and held your pencils and your pencil sharpener? THATS what they look like! Pencil pouches with straps! I just want to say, 'Hey, I had one of those once with a Hello Kitty' on the side of it!" Nice. I was happy she got so emotionally involved in the subject, even though she later commented that I was "thinking too hard" about it.
  
• -Side Note- While Im thinking about it....Ang, you can find out what falafel is at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falafel Usually you'll find that most prepare it by frying it, but I save some calories by balling it up and grilling little "medallions" on a skillet. Tastes just fine. I buy it in a box with 2 dry pouches, just add water, let it sit for 10 min and work it like cookie dough. I get about 12 disks out of a pouch. I got into this when I worked at Souflakis at OU. I should eat it more. Im sure falafel "purists" will pooh-pooh my powdered mix, but I dont care. Ok - so back to the purses. I love the purse. Im not saying I dont love the purse, but I guess my hang up is that, maybe I feel that OTHERS will see me with the purse and think one of two things - Either I am one of these sad, vapid people who value overpriced purses over all else, or I am someone who is trying to impress others with my fake purse. I am neither. I am just a girl with a purse, standing in front of society, asking it to love her anyway. (sorry, I know ive referenced this Notting Hill moment -or as my dad likes to call it, "Nodding Off" - before, I just love it so.)

Im sure Ive offended all kinds of people who love their $800 purses. Im sorry. Im probably just as at fault for my own love of the finer things. Like White Zinfandel and Saturns. I just like the best of everything I guess.

Becuase of the 80 or so people who visit this blog everyday, I felt I owed it to you all to do some research.

Here's something that might make you want to stab your eye out with a pencil: (I particularly like this comment: "UMM UHH YESSS!! I am seriously the queen of purses, and im 12!! There are waayyyy to many things to tell you all the differences." http://au.answers.yahoo.com/answers2/frontend.php/question?qid=20070828140812AAbEDZn The parents of that 12 year old should be shot. If I am within an earshot of a 12 year old who mutters "UH, YES! I am seriously the queen of purses" I will have to put the smack down. Jail will be worth it.

I also found this statement off a REAL purse site warning people of fakes.

"Packaging – You know the saying “God is in the details?” Well, when it comes to the packaging of a high-end product that is gospel. Even though counterfeiters have gotten fancier in their packaging they still usually lack the style of the original. Most upscale designer handbags always come with a dust case in which to keep the purse. Counterfeiters are also doing this but the quality of the fabric they use for their case gives the fake away. Quality cases come in soft fabric with a satin-like drawstring. Fakes employ a tissue-thin casing with substandard drawstring."

Wow. A "Substandard drawstring"? A substandard drawstring??? Are you f*$%King kidding me? I need to make more money, seriously. Who ever wrote that deserves to lose money to fake purses, simply by having the gall to refer to a drawstring as "Substandard". Thats what you get for being a purse snob.

To those of you who own real, authentic, purses worth hundreds of dollars, I apologize. I think its my own personal hangup. I need to deal with it. Ever since Nick and I begged mom for real Eastlands in junior high and got the fake, plastic ones with a green tag who's laces didnt coil up on the ends like real Eastlands did, I started to develop an acceptance of the knock-offs, while at the same time, despising the real ones and the lucky few who had them. You know the ones:

Wow! I thought this was going to be a quickie! Oh, and one more thing before I go - DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT see "Walk Hard". Save your 9.50. It was TER.IH.BULH. I love EVERYTHING else Apatow has done but this was just NOT FUNNY. John thought it was ok, but I nodded off at one point. While we're on the subject, I have two movie cards worth a combined amount of $1.00, if anyone would like them. You will need seventeen more cards to see a movie though.

I would love to hear all your random thoughts on fake purses. Please dont be to hard on me, ok? Remember, I was subjected to fake Eastlands.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling unsettled, like I didnt "Wrap it up".....so in conclusion, I just want to say that I wish we could institute a Global "Purse Policy", where every purse is $20. This way, people with money dont buy $500 purses, making the rest of society want them and going to extreme measures like blowing a paycheck or getting a fake. Thank You.

Happy Weekend.

Love Me, Love My Doll

The Christmas Holiday brought forth a number of gifts; a Bengals hoodie, a new TV for our living room, cash, and last but not least, a little documentary called Love Me, Love My Doll.

Meredith was telling us about this little gem on Saturday night - its a free documentary on the BBC On Demand Channel. Honestly? We've got 2000 some channels - 95% of them we dont even get because we dont pay for it, so I had no idea that channel 1200 was FREE on demand BBC Documentaries. You all need to watch this.

Love Me, Love My Doll is about men who have purchased "RealDolls", 100 pound, anatomically correct companions.....and have fallen in love with them. I dont even have the words to explain. you have to watch it. It was the perfect blend of hysterical, sad and creepy all rolled into one informational burrito. Lets just say, these guys consider themselves social misfits (ok, well, one is just a nymphomaniac) and have given up on any sort of real relationship with a living, breathing human being.

I went online to see what else I could find out of sheer curiosity, and saw a wide range of opinions:

Some thought they were as bad if not worse than necrophiliacs, while others thought it was better than having them out in the social scene and procreating....I guess I walked away from it feeling, like, everybody has hangups. Fat people use diets to improve their heath, insecure people crave attention to satisfy them, people with bad eyesight need glasses, and the socially inept/, for what ever reason, have found happiness with these dolls. Maybe they'd rather have a fake hot doll than a real wack-job they might beable to snag in real life. Who knows? What ever makes you happy I say. (oh yeah, thats the guy who poses his multiple dolls for photos, and he graciously joins in)

All Im asking is that you look it up, watch it, and post your comments here. I cant wait!

Oh yeah, I think my non stop 5-day consumption of meatballs, cocktail weeinies, cookies, chicken wings, Cookies, chocolate, cookies, and more junk, my body has begun to crave veggies. It must have forgotten what they tasted like.

Anyway, this is for Misti, always curious as to what Im having for dinner after work. I picked up some Falafel and grilled up some medallions and threw them on tortillas with a little bit of shredded cheddar, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, pickles and mustard!!! I took pictures becuase I was so proud of myself for actually preparing a meal for the first time all winter. John actually partook in this one, so i was especially proud.

Questions for the weekend: What did you think about 'Love me, Love My Doll'?

How do you feel about Falafel?

She's Wicked! - Comedy Night - Christmas Eve Mass - Fortener Family Chaos - Barber Family Ambush - And yes, one picture of cat.

Its been a long week. Ive been REAL busy - you know, stuffing my face 24 hours a day, drinking beer like I did when I was 22, sleeping in and taking up so much real estate on my parents couch I was on the verge of getting charged rent by the time we left on Christmas.

Thursday I went up to Dayton for mom's school play. This was put on by the Moraine Meadows 4th graders, my mom and Mr. Stucky. The play was "She's Wicked!", Josh's adaptation of "Wicked" - Mom played the headmistress (or something to that effect) of the witches school. Below are the characters you all know and love:

Shelly, mom, GMa Fortener & GPa Rotert...
And of course, Kettering's finest always end the evening at a local watering hole!
Here's a video clip I took at the play - dont forget to turn your volume down first and then turn it up, these sometimes are LOUD.

You think I like to tell stories about my high school sports glory days? Ive got nothing on Cousin Carly! Nick and I went to the Fairmont-Centerville game and it wasnt pretty. (Screw you, Stewy!) Overheard at the game - Nick: "Riddle me THIS, how in the HELL does a DI varsity boys team score TWO points in the first quarter?" They ended up redeeming themselves point-wise, but still lost the game.

Oh yeah, on my way home Friday night, I got a speeding ticket on Woodman coming around the bend by Woodman Lanes. I knew I was flying, (55 in a 35, but my ticket was only 50 in a 35) and when I saw the bright quickly show up behind me, I pretty much knew my fate. Here's one thing I hate though - WHY WHY WHY do they alway ask, "Uh, ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?" I came up with like FIVE possible answers in my head and none were suitable for saying out loud:

• Um, NO. But I bet you're going to tell me.
• I was going as fast as Ive been going around that corner for the last fifteen years.
• Why would you do this to someone on Christmas?
• I guess my SR5ER license plate gets no sympathy from you, huh.
• I have diarrhea.

I have always maintained that anyone should get off using the diarrhea excuse and yet I have never used it in any of my 5-6 speeding tickets. Its so brilliant! what I also wanted to add to the cop was that if I only get ONE ticket for speeding down woodman in 15 years, THAT, my friend, is a success story. I kept that to myself though.

Saturday we put a big group together to go see a stand-up comedian downtown. He's my friends brother who just moved back into town from LA. It was a great show and we had 18 people in our group - friends, family, others. We'll just give Kenny a free pass for getting spooked by someone in the audience and giving us the most awkward 20 minutes for his finale.....his wife was due to have a baby that day! (She had the baby on Christmas) Had a great time though - all headed to Newcoms for a round before the show:

We all agreed this is the skinniest Nick's looked all year!
Monday night was mass at Trinity followed by the Fortener Family Christmas. Of course we were there a whole hour early so we had plenty of time to hang out. The church was beautiful. This is where Nick and Mere have been going, and the family has gone there the last two Christmases, ever since Nick and Mere were married there, and Grandma's funeral was there. Grandpa Rotert has been going there for awhile. I kind of like it more than Ascension - its definitely prettier!

We shoved dad to the end of the pew so he could save seats.
That's my husband, Mr. Holier-than-thou, This was the Children's mass, and all the little kids were dressed up and the little girl dressed as Mary is holding ar REAL baby, that slept the whole time! (someone mentioned Benadryl)
And back home for the Fortener Christmas, which has now evolved into a Frat party, thanks to most of my cousins being "Of age"
I get cozy with Amy, David & Mike:

Awwww...Mom & Grandpa.
Ryan, Andy, Chris & Joey:
Awwwww......
Nick's head is TWICE the size of moms!
Yes, Stacy - thats my cousin's playing caps - although the younger kids werent drinking, I still think we contributed to their delinquincy......

....by making Willie keep score during the game. Where the sober 8-year olds when we were in college? They make the greatest scorekeepers!!!
Andy kicked my butt the first game.... ...And then he beat nick.....
And then he lost to the greatest Caps player of them all....BRANDON!!!
After all the family left, I skipped down the street (in my skirt & hose...oops) down to Danny Barbers house and Ambushed his family Christmas. he said he might be up for going out that night & they were winding down anyway, so he obliged. He came over to our house where Nick and Meredith were too tired to go out, and after Nick made eight jokes about how many times Danny broke his collarbone growing up, and he and I got into a heated argument over which one of us was better friends with Danny growing up, the three of us headed out to Taggarts, and then Partners, and then home....
And of course, we had to be the cat-people that we are and dress up the cat for the holidays! (Thanks, Karen!...you were right, he absolutely spazzed for about 15 minutes but actually did manage to get it off with his hind legs, he still loves playing with it though!)
Sorry for the less than entertaining post....

Has anyone gotten a ticket lately? THey're all ELECTRONIC! THey swipe your card and print that sucker right out like a credit card receipt!!! Tickets suck!

I love that its Wednesday bc It totally feels like a Monday. Happy Wednesday.

Hope everyone had a Happy & Safe Holiday. Ill be putting up another MONSTER post tonight...tons of pics!

:)

A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS WISH FROM STEVE MARTIN! (sorry - there wasnt enough time to post the pics -and video!- of moms play last night - it was awesome and Ill maybe have that posted tonight! Everyone have a great weekend & HAPPY FRIDAY!!!)

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account. You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe. And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina-somebody, I can't think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too and she's behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it. Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know? No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth! So -- we reorganize! Here we go. First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we got with the power second, then the money. And then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish. And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.

Hey Dudes! Check out the new bathroom fixtures!!!

(What's sadder? That intentionally took this picture as a lead in for the biggest story of the week, our new bathroom fixtures, or.....no. That's definitely the saddest.)

So John is working second shift all week, so its just me & Hey. John is trying to call him Guinness, I cant get used to Scabby, and I just have been calling him "Hey"...when he claws on the couch, when he chases is tail on the armrest (an impressive balancing act i might add), when he tries to nose his way into a room he's not supposed to be in....at this point, he responds to "Hey!" ......Drumroll please.........

Here it is!!! Our brand new shower knob & spigot. I was kinda bummed that our Christmas money was going towards plumbing repairs, but until you've suffered with a shower head thats been around since my parents were toddlers and the separate hot/cold knobs, you'll never know the sheer EUPHORIA of having a new shower....
Gone are the days of our morning routines of turning on the hot, turning on the cold, little more hot, little less cold, little more cold....arrgh. This bad boy has just ONE knob, with a separate lever you can adjust the temperature that actually sticks, so the next time you take a shower, it just goes right to that temp! Although I like my showers hotter than John does so I doubt it will stick. THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!!! LOOK AT THE SHOWER HEAD!!! 3 different kinds of spouts, visibly more pressure - its a fricking DREAM COME TRUE!!! And the plumber unclogged the stoppage that was going on in the master bedroom sink for free so I was pumped about that. YES! Merry Plumbin' Christmas to US!!!
Oh yeah, Then I was curious to see what my hair looked like from the back. (I dont have any hand mirrors) so I took this picture. Its getting long. Soon it will be in a ponytail, and mom can go back to telling me I look like a twelve year old.
Ohhhhh.....Another El Cheapo home improvement!!!
So this weekend we pretty much holed ourselves in - the weather was crappy so we were just trying to get a few things done. What started as a simple catch up of laundry and linens turned into a bathroom makeover and scrapbooking project.

If you've ever seen our master bathroom, its small, and there are these hideous cabinets in there. Big doors, and they're full of crap I never use. I wanted it too look a little nicer in there, so I made some changes that totalled up to just about $40. I removed the huge cabinet doors, and repainted all the shelves white. They were nasty, three different colors and stained with 50 years of grime and miscellaneous bathroom products. So I painted the shelves white, headed over to Old Time Pottery (Which for some reason I keep calling it Old Country Buffet in conversation, I have no idea why, maybe my Brain only has room for one "Old" style location)

Anyway - went over to the OTP and made a beeline for the baskets. I found these cute baskets for a decent price - $6 each - and headed home. I had an extra set of khaki curtians lying around and one of those cheap curtian rods and VOILA!!!:

I also removed this nasty old timey stainless steel wall mounted cupholder/soap dish from the wall - I tried to find a new one to add to it but couldnt find anything....so I swiped a frame from the downstairs bathroom, and whipped up this guy to cover up the big hole in the wall. It was MUCH easier and more fun than learning how to patch drywall:

And finally, my old school find of the week - Yes I will be wearing these home on Christmas. (yes i took this picture with the timer...Im so pathetic)

MY HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL SHOES - REEBOK PUMPS!! YES!!!

These shoes have been around, but they're in pristine condition. Im glad I never threw them away. I scored the buzzer-beating basket against Centerville during my last home game at Fairmont. Good Times. Fairmont is doing girls basketball alumni game sometime in January and they're going to introduce all the alumni women and you can BET YOUR SWEET ASS I will be wearing these!!! They're going to have an alumni game that weekend but I wont be playing, thats Saturday of our big birthday party at Haps. We're calling it the "ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF GREATNESS" Party - Stacy and I both turn thirty & Pauly is turning FORTY!! One hundred years of greatness. And modesty.

Welcome to your 1st installment of:

"OH.MY.GOD.DidthatJUSTHAPPEN?????":

Kroger Edition

This was inspired by my recent visit to the Finneytown Kroger, where I figured would be a good place to spend a Friday evening. Pick up some Firewood, some tea, a bottle of wine and a six pack of Miller Lite. Just a relaxing trip to what I found out was only one crazy person short of an ASYLUM.

Where, Oh God, where....do...I....start.

Lets start out with the fact that I was Soooorely mistaken (think Dean Rooney on Ferris Bueller) that this place wouldn't be busy. I probably spent ten extra dollars on the simple fact that 8 lanes were packed and I kept rolling back into the asiles to let things "settle down".

While things were "Settling down", I encountered my first crazy person. I was checking out the Air freshners at the end of the aisle when a woman stopped to look at the same thing. I was tucked in the aisle with my cart free from the insanity of the open end. The other poor woman was on her cell phone, with her cart behind her. She had just gotten there, so her cart was empty.

Just then, a woman comes barreling around the corner, crashing into this woman's cart like a 15-year old employee in the parking lot on a -5 degree day. But she doesnt just crash into the cart....SHE KEEPS GOING!!!

Had the startled, confused, cartless woman not turned around and quietly said, "Um, Ma'am...Ma'am!", THIS CRAZY BITCH WOULD HAVE PUSHED THAT CART TEN AISLES DOWN!!! No joke! What's funny is that the culprit then stops, turns around, and with this innocent Betty White voice, says "Oh...Oh....I didnt realize"....

Didn't Realize what??!!!???! That you didnt have a license to bulldoze other peoples carts twenty feet through the store? Or that a simple "Excuse me" would have worked? Or that you shouldnt grocery shop on meth??? WHAT EXACTLY DIDNT YOU REALIZE???

Ugh.

So I finally decide to pick a check out line and suck it up with an issue of Star magazine. As you already know, I am a sucker for celebrity smut, so getting 17 minutes of reading for free actually feels like stealing, so I all good with it.

I was in the hole. A guy in front of me was on deck with two bottles of Merlot. At bat was a chick checking out. I wasnt sure what the hold up was, but there was a money issue going on. I am a magnet for these people. If you go to the store with $20, buy $30 worth of shit, and dont have the brains to realize this until you check out, I will ALWAYS be in line behind you. It never fails. So she finally gets taken care of.

ENTER CRAZY PERSON NUMERO DOS:

So Im standing there behind Merlot guy, and I turn around to let the person behind me know that Im moving my cart up. I guess I hogged some real estate getting caught up reading about how The Hills might bring Kristin back and L.C. is ALLLLL pissed. I am so into this story and its pathetic. But anyway, Im moving my cart up, and there's this middle aged woman standing behind me and a young couple behind her.

As I turn around, the young guy looks at the woman. And quitely and politely poses a question:

"Um, ma'am, did...you see us standing here?"

OH MY GOD!!! THIS WOMAN TOTALLY PULLED CUTSIES!!! This crazy wench just cut right in front of these people!!!! Good for the guy to actually say something. If someone cut in front of me, I TOTALLY would have let them, because I have NO spine and I hatehatehate confrontation. But you bet your ass I would have badmouthed them on my blog.

(and I will tell you that the young couple was black and the middle aged woman was white - not that it matters, being shitty is being shitty, BUT....Ill get to that.)

SO ANYWAY, after this young man boldly, but politely tells this woman the error of her ways, she, I-SHIT-YOU-NOT, turns around, looks at the man, and says something to the effect of, "Oh....Oh.....no.....I....didnt realize, that. Oh, heh.".......

AND TURNS BACK AROUND!!!!!

What? What? What? Are you serious? Now, I can be friendly to the point of straight annoyance, and I can see where this woman may have had her mind else where, or maybe these folks were in the peref, WHATEVER. But AKNOWLEDGE YOUR MISTAKE!!!

I would have spent ten minutes apologizing while giving them their spot back, telling them all about the crazy day I had at work, all the laundry I had to do, about how im partially deaf because of the chemo, all that shit. I would have MADE them understand WHY I accidentally did that and pray to God that they would have the heart to forgive me. I would have exchanged emails with them and sent them funny forwards for a few months to let them know I was still thinking about them. I would have told them about my blog and that I would write about it and they should read it and post a comment to let all my readers know that everything was ok. Really. "Please, Post a comment.", I would say.

But no. I had one of those awkward moments where I got nervous. I continued my checkout just thinking, "Oh my God. That didnt just happen did it? No way. That woman did NOT just blow that guy off!!!" Thats becuase I am a total Pee-You-Ess-Ess-Why. Thats why.

In my fantasy world, I would have turned around and been all, "Hey, not all of my people are like that, seriously. Why dont you cut in front of me so I can make up for her complete absent-mindedness."

And then Id let the couple cut in front of me so the lady would have to wait for BOTH of us (both pushing about 14 items in the 15 item express lane thank you very much) and Id smugly look at her, shaking my head, laughing. "You got yours, didnt you, crazy lady???"

Guy with the Merlot. In. Out. Easy. I think to myself about my bottle of Shiraz. I feel mature with my bottle of Shiraz. I only just recently found out that White Zinfandel = WHITE TRASH. Really? Ive been bringing white zin around for years, and Stacy, and others now come to think of it, wouldnt touch it. I dont know if I saw it on tv or what, so the weekend before thanksmas I show up with Shiraz and say something like, "Hey, Is White Zin trashy?" And I got a resounding "HELL YES". Really? I dont get it. Id never heard that before.

Merlot is way too bitter for me but I do enjoy Shiraz. So thats my new thing. Shiraz. Am I not white trash any more? I cant take the wedding reception keg toss back. I just cant.

Oh yeah....so Im checking out and my bottle of Shiraz DOES NOT SCAN. My cashier yells to our neighbor line, "UH PATTY? This wine ain't scanning".....Patty responds, "Um, you'll need to take that to the counter and call another store for the total"

As if on cue, Crazy-cut-lady and the pissed off couple behind her let out a resounding, "AAAGGGHHH"....I say, "dont do that, I get another bottle".

The theme song to Benny Hill is racing through my head as I run back to the wine section. "Damn this new fancy Kroger and your overstocked section of spirits!!!! Arrrgh!!!" I finally settle on a bottle of Yellow tail Shiraz.

By the time I get back to the aisle, 76 customers had exited the Kroger since I had first entered the line, and the cut-ter and the cut-tees had become best friends. I left and came home to John watching Lord of the Rings with the cat.

Now, I promised Angie I wouldnt turn the blog into my own version of Cat Fancy, but this was just TOO CUTE. I dont care. Its cute. And it involves a cat. There. I said it. Here are my my boys!!!!! 1,2,3, awwwww:

This was my original post...the "pre-Kroger" post:

Wow! Christmas came early in a number of ways! For starters, I found out today that my tumor markers were down again. Thats awesome news! And secondly, John and I have agreed to a Christmas gift finally. You see, our paychecks are dumped into the same checking account. Thats it for us. No secret stash, no credit cards for special presents. The last few years, we've just agreed on something nice we can both do together - Maybe Bengals tickets or something like that. We seriously dont even exchange gifts. I asked him the other day what he thought we could do for our Christmas gift to each other and he said he hadnt really given it much thought.

Until today!!! I came home from work and he says, "I think I know what we could do for Christmas"....yikes! What could it be? A romantic weekend away? New furniture?

"That leak in the tub has turned into a steady stream." We saw this coming. The local whiz plumber who temporarily stopped the leak in the summer did warn us his remedy probably was going to need a serious upgrade. He had a new faceplate and valve he could get for our old school set up, includes a new shower head too....for the bargain basement price of $400....WOW!!! I wasnt expecting to spend so much on each other! This is a real treat. Merry Christmas.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

DID YOU KNOW THAT WHITE ZINFANDEL = WHITE TRASH? IS THIS COMMON KNOWLEDGE? Have you ever found out you were doing something that was socially unacceptable and nobody told you? I want to hear about it.

Nothing says "Holidays" like slow days at work and an avalanche of crazy forwards getting passed around....Heres a glimpse into some of the more noteworthy things that have hit my inbox this week:

KABA KICK - It is what you think it is...

This gem ended up on the Kelt's website. From the look of that graphic, one might think it was an error on the part of the photo department. Heads should roll! We dont want kids thinking that guns are made to be crammed into your temple before you pull the trigger, right? WRONG! "Kaba Kick" is the just the thing to let your kid know, that for now, you have to suffer through your crappy life, but once you're big enough to get your own gun, you can go hog wild with your own REAL game of russian roulette! Kaba Kick is Russian Roulette for kids. The player points the gun at his or her own head and pulls the trigger. Instead of bullets, a pair of feet kick out from the barrel (which is shaped like a pink hippo). If the gun doesn't fire, the player earns points. Yeah. This is for real...

What would Jesus drink? "Formula J", of course.

Stolen right off those tall white candles you can score in the Mexican Food section at Kroger, these "Spiritual Water" bottles are the latest product geared toward the spiritual. Ok, Catholics. This has Catholicism written all over it. I forwarded this link to some friends asking if I missed some eleventh commandment demanding "Thou shall not rape the consumer in thy name", and my dad thought it might have been lost on one of the tablets Moses dropped. He watches A LOT of Mel Brooks.

Really? THAT'S Your muffin top. REALLY.

Im glad I saved this photo off the MSN news page this morning in a moment of outrage, because just a few hours later? It was removed from the site. I can only IMAGINE the responses MSN was getting about their choices of photos for the "Whittle your Middle" article. Seriously? This woman seems to be struggling AWFULLY hard to get that hot dog sized "muffintop" pulled out over her size 2 jeans. You know what Id be doing if I had a muffintop that looked like that? NOTHING. I take that back. Not only would I NOT try to "whittle" it down, but Id call my husband and tell him to make an extra slab of ribs tonight - MAMA's GOT SOME CALORIES TO CONSUME!!!!

Im curious about those news pages. This isnt the first time that a photo that annoyed me was pulled an hour later. I imagine they have some panel of 1000 people or so who glaze over the front page each day, choose their articles, and give feedback on what works and what doesnt. Id like to be one of those people. Wake up, eat breakfast, criticize the online news, go back to bed.

I was listening to Jeff Ruby on the radio and he was giving that "Imagine what you love doing the best and make a career out of it." I hate that lecture. Only people who have actually succeed in doing that can spout that crap out, but in the real world? Majority of 20something guys will never be able to make rent playing their new Wii game, masturbating, or drinking beer. Likewise, most women cant cover the mortgage scrapbooking all day, reading gossip magazines and drinking beer. Its frustrating. And deep, deep down, we all want to believe it, but it seems way to out of reach.

And finally, the email we've all probably received at least three times in the last two years and repeat to ourselves, "Im going straight to hell for laughing at this"....the HILLBILLY WEDDING....

There are way too many factors going on in these pictures to qualify it as a legitimate wedding. First of all, the men and women are legitimately dressed. The bridesmaid dresses arent actually horrible, I mean, who am I to talk? My brides only had feather boas. Although flower girl's outfit is just a smidge trashy, it seems like a legit ceremony....at a firestation?

Ladies...

And the lovely couple.
Tell me you've all received this...seen it, and moved on? I said I would share what I received all week. I didnt say it was tasteful.

On a final note, I finished Dirt (that book about Motley Crue) in four days. Thats more reading than I did in four years of college sad to say. I highly reccomend the book as a gift for any young hard to buy for people 25 and up. I will say that the book wasnt so much the filth and sex that I had proclaimed it would be, and I walked away with a new outlook on an image I had become familliar with during my 5th-7th grade phase, the scariest looking guitarist I had ever seen, Mick Mars:

But as it turns out, Mick is just regular guy. Married, divorced, married, divorce, with a few kids, and a history of bankruptcy to show for the endless child support & divorce woes....he also has lived with a degenerative bone disease for most of his life, which could attribute to his on stage demeanor....he was usually in too much pain to be dancing around and going crazy. Although he did his share of drugs and drink, he regards him self as the old guy in the group and by far the most drama-free. This guy could have went to hs with my parents!:
Crazy. Anyway. Im sick. I hope to God its a cold and not an allergic reaction to scabby, or guinness, or what ever we're going to call him. We took him to the vet tuesday and I didnt have the guts to call him "Scabby" over the phone when I made the appointment. So, according to the vet. He's Guinness. -shrug-

Anyhoo, Im going to take some nyquil and hit the sack. Hopefully this will be over soon!